Sadness and My Dad’s Passing.

I’m feeling sad today and I know it has to do with my father’s passing into another dimension a couple of weeks ago. But I don’t miss him. I was fairly estranged from him for the last few years. I hadn’t seen him for 25 years and although I talked to him fairly regularly, we just weren’t connected anymore. He was never the same since my brother passed 35 years ago. He put up all kinds of walls and was really an arsehole to all. Don’t get too close! He had alienated his whole family, which was a substantial one.  Oh well, as he often said. He was a pretty macho guy and tried to act as if he was fine, when he clearly wasn’t. The classic patriarchal stance. And it was his downfall. The alienation included the love of his life, his second wife (my ma was his first). And so in the end he had no one but his lovely neighbors who could not visit him at the end because of COVID. One upside here is that he had dementia. Our last phone call he did not know who I was. He did not remember my brother. And the photo I received almost a year ago on his birthday, he looked the happiest I have EVER seen him. See photo below.

So, why am I sad, you may ask? It feels sad to me that he never connected with my beautiful children, his grandkids. He was just too closed off. He NEVER asked about them. My son, when he was about 20 years old, even went down to visit his grandpa and learn about building and carpentry. My son did learn but when he came home after 3 months, all he said to me was “Grandpa hates me.” Whenever I called to check in, all my dad would say was “that little asshole!” ABOUT MY KID! His grandkid!

So, sad because my dad missed a lot of good in his life because he shut himself off. And sad because I have not heard much from any of my family. AND I keep hearing my soul telling me, “that is not about you, that is about them.” And I know this, but it feels hurtful that people don’t reach out and say a little something. My mum was a little sad and told her family, but NOT ONE of them contacted me. My mom said they felt sorry but NOT A WORD.

So, why do I expect them to reach out? I was really pondering this today. And part of what I realized is that I have given a lot in my life. So, now when I could use a little sympathy or even love from the family, NOTHING. So, I am reaching out to my global family.

Sadness during the time of COVID is a powerful time. I can’t DO a bunch of stuff to fill that sadness hole. I must sit with the feeling and just love on it and honor it and BE with it. AND it is okay.

I was reluctant to share about my dad’s passing since, for me, it is not a hugely sad event. Or at least not in what I consider the traditional sense of mourning the loss of a loved one.  I didn’t want to ask for sympathy when someone else may need it more. AND now as I write this I think, that is part of my pattern of not being able to ask for help and support. I MUST be the giver, the helper. My heart is beating faster just at the idea of sharing this message. But my soul is saying, do it! I deserve to receive sympathy and connection. And what I am feeling may resonate with other humans. Of course I wanted to have an awesome relationship with my dad. And we did have some moments. Especially when I was a kid.

So, I’m going to just let myself feel sad and honor that feeling. Sad, for whatever the reason, is still sad. And as it is time, I will release it out to the Viking ship to burn baby, burn. (see previous post titled “Love in the Time of COVID”)

 

My dad back around when I was born. 1957. Me and my dad. Also, the Halloween photo is my brother and my dad and me.

My dad on his 86th birthday last year with the book I sent him. He designed and built amazing houses.Dad birthday 2019

My dad and me as a baby.

Eliz & Dad playing

 

 

8 thoughts on “Sadness and My Dad’s Passing.

  1. Thank you for sharing this story, siSTAR. It takes courage to acknowledge all those emotions, I like this..

    .” Sadness during the time of COVID is a powerful time. I can’t DO a bunch of stuff to fill that sadness hole. I must sit with the feeling and just love on it and honor it and BE with it. AND it is okay.”

    Those are all great photos.

    And letting go of the giver role is a big deal, for many of us women especially. It had its purpose, and now it’s time to RECEIVE!

    Thank you again dear friend, for sharing your experiences, and your wisdom with all of us. 🙏🦋💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dearest Maria SiSTAR–thanks always for your love and encouragement. I was shaking when I wrote this post and my heart was quaking a bit to share.

      I do love the photos of my dad here.

      Yes, letting go of feeling the NEED to always GIVE GIVE GIVE……caretaking complete.
      MUCH LOVE,

      Like

    1. Thanks dearest Brenda, my lovely friend. I appreciate your love and encouragement. You have been a rock for me.

      Grieving is so unique and particular to each person and there is NO right way to do it.

      My dad had a lot of good in his life and it is sad that he couldn’t appreciate it.
      He’s in training now.

      THANK YOU SO MUCH!
      love, Elizabeth

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This post was raw and honest. Although I don’t of course know you personally, I feel proud of your bravery in sharing and being honest with yourself about your emotions. Looking at the photos, it feels as if your dad loved you so much. It just got twisted or stopped up somehow. My own dad was an architect and carpenter as well, and passed a few years ago. This post makes me think of him and how I was kind of on the opposite side of the circumstance with you and your father: my dad was always trying to give help and love and I feel I pushed him away often. That is something that’s difficult for me to face. Anyway, your writing is valuable and I’m grateful for it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Senlinsays! Thanks so much for your lovely acknowledgement and sharing about your life. That is interesting that our dads were both builders. My dad didn’t go to school to be an architect but in essence that is what he was.

      I got a lovely message yesterday from my dad that he is super proud of me and was sorry he couldn’t be a better dad. He is in school now in another dimension. 🙂

      I was quaking at posting this blog. I realized this morning that because I was not so close with my dad it was almost like I wasn’t allowed to feel grief. And I certainly wasn’t allowed to ask for love and support and connection and sympathy.

      I feel really great today. I posted this piece on Facebook and got much love and support there. IT’S OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP! 🙂 That is a big one for me. And I also KNOW that everyone’s grieving is different. There is no one formula. I always think back to older days, 18th and 19th century days. Wear black for a year for a close relative. Then moving to mauve, then to lilac, etc. It just doesn’t fucking work like that.

      And I know that my feelings will fluctuate yet again. ❤

      Much love to you and thanks for writing!

      Like

  3. Dear Aunt E- So sorry to hear of your dad’s passing and of the ways he was closed off and cruel for so much of his life. Sounds like there is grief both for his death but also for what never could be with him – an authentic, loving relationship. You have been a loving and faithful daughter to continue in conversation with him, and I’m glad you are letting your community know how we can support you. Sending virtual hugs your way!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for writing dearest Irene!
      It has been intense and good healing.
      He’s in a better place. I know this. And I’m happy for him. And I get to learn. And grow. Looking at the beauties of it all.

      At first, because we were a bit estranged, I didn’t think I got to grieve. Or ask for support. But I realized that there are so many levels of grief and ways to grieve as there are humans and relationships. So, I am grieving. And it is all good.

      #wallowingingratitude

      Love you tons and a virtual hug back at you.

      Like

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