I’m feeling sad today and I know it has to do with my father’s passing into another dimension a couple of weeks ago. But I don’t miss him. I was fairly estranged from him for the last few years. I hadn’t seen him for 25 years and although I talked to him fairly regularly, we just weren’t connected anymore. He was never the same since my brother passed 35 years ago. He put up all kinds of walls and was really an arsehole to all. Don’t get too close! He had alienated his whole family, which was a substantial one. Oh well, as he often said. He was a pretty macho guy and tried to act as if he was fine, when he clearly wasn’t. The classic patriarchal stance. And it was his downfall. The alienation included the love of his life, his second wife (my ma was his first). And so in the end he had no one but his lovely neighbors who could not visit him at the end because of COVID. One upside here is that he had dementia. Our last phone call he did not know who I was. He did not remember my brother. And the photo I received almost a year ago on his birthday, he looked the happiest I have EVER seen him. See photo below.
So, why am I sad, you may ask? It feels sad to me that he never connected with my beautiful children, his grandkids. He was just too closed off. He NEVER asked about them. My son, when he was about 20 years old, even went down to visit his grandpa and learn about building and carpentry. My son did learn but when he came home after 3 months, all he said to me was “Grandpa hates me.” Whenever I called to check in, all my dad would say was “that little asshole!” ABOUT MY KID! His grandkid!
So, sad because my dad missed a lot of good in his life because he shut himself off. And sad because I have not heard much from any of my family. AND I keep hearing my soul telling me, “that is not about you, that is about them.” And I know this, but it feels hurtful that people don’t reach out and say a little something. My mum was a little sad and told her family, but NOT ONE of them contacted me. My mom said they felt sorry but NOT A WORD.
So, why do I expect them to reach out? I was really pondering this today. And part of what I realized is that I have given a lot in my life. So, now when I could use a little sympathy or even love from the family, NOTHING. So, I am reaching out to my global family.
Sadness during the time of COVID is a powerful time. I can’t DO a bunch of stuff to fill that sadness hole. I must sit with the feeling and just love on it and honor it and BE with it. AND it is okay.
I was reluctant to share about my dad’s passing since, for me, it is not a hugely sad event. Or at least not in what I consider the traditional sense of mourning the loss of a loved one. I didn’t want to ask for sympathy when someone else may need it more. AND now as I write this I think, that is part of my pattern of not being able to ask for help and support. I MUST be the giver, the helper. My heart is beating faster just at the idea of sharing this message. But my soul is saying, do it! I deserve to receive sympathy and connection. And what I am feeling may resonate with other humans. Of course I wanted to have an awesome relationship with my dad. And we did have some moments. Especially when I was a kid.
So, I’m going to just let myself feel sad and honor that feeling. Sad, for whatever the reason, is still sad. And as it is time, I will release it out to the Viking ship to burn baby, burn. (see previous post titled “Love in the Time of COVID”)
My dad back around when I was born. 1957. Me and my dad. Also, the Halloween photo is my brother and my dad and me.
My dad on his 86th birthday last year with the book I sent him. He designed and built amazing houses.
My dad and me as a baby.